Disclaimer: Though the online dating tips included in this article are totally awesome and definitely 100% NOT made up by some random blogger chick, your success at online dating depends a lot on your personality, physical appearance, basic competency, and general level of allure. Therefore, your success is not guaranteed.
Disclaimer 2: The dating advice included in this article is provided for entertainment purposes, and the author does not want you to ask her out.
Starting Out Right: Your Profile
Welcome to online dating.
Now tell us everything that makes you a desirable, interesting, unique individual in 500 characters or less.
Yeah, that’s not the easiest thing in the world to do. We females understand that – we’re in the same boat. That being said, we definitely prefer brilliance, so work on that.
Look at it this way:
Your online dating profile is essentially an advertisement. You’re selling yourself, in a totally non-prostitution-esque way (well, probably) as the kind of man who we chicks want to date. Maybe it’s easier said than done, but most guys suck at online dating as much as they suck at face-to-face dating, so a little bit of effort will put you worlds ahead of the competition.
The goal of the profile is to get a far as a first date.
After you strike up a conversation and set up a time to meet, that chick is probably never going to look at your profile again, which is probably a good thing.
So, what makes a good profile?
Okay, think of it this way:
Internet dating shows an attractive women all of the options she could have, all at once. You, as a dude who wants to date attractive women, are at a disadvantage, because your picture is one of many that she’s scrolling through without close scrutiny.
If you were to meet the same girl in some real life setting, perhaps the grocery store, and you had the guts to strike up a conversation, you would then be the only guy occupying her attention. She would have a chance to notice your adorable quirks and charming personality without the distraction of other dudes’ professional headshots and skydiving pictures.
With that in mind, your profile picture is your chance to stand out from the virtual crowd.
If you’re physically attractive…congratulations!
If you’re not physically attractive, all hope is not lost. Looks aren’t everything. They’re only, like, 90% of everything.
Your profile picture should:
- Flatter, but still look like you
- Show your face clearly
- Only include you
- Convey a sense of who you are
Shirtless gym selfies are a terrible idea. There’s even an article from GQ that says the same thing, despite other questionable advice.
Here are some other major profile picture no-nos:
- Pictures of a celebrity, unless you are that celebrity
- Obvious cell phone selfies or mirror selfies
- Memes and quotes – basically any picture that is something other than you
- Pictures of you and some girl with her face blurred or cropped out
- Group photos
- Close-up shots of areas of your anatomy that are not your face
- Any photo that makes you look like a douchebag
Also, if you need to zoom in to see your face, it’s not a good picture. Chicks want to see what you look like, not where you’ve been. Somewhere in the secondary pictures, you can show off that really cool picture of you at the edge of a cliff with all of Ireland spread out below, but that’s not a good choice for a profile picture.
You don’t need to have a professional photo, digitally retouched by an expert hand, to grab a girl’s attention. It might help, but it’s not necessary. Put just a little more thought into it than the average online dater, and you’re on the right track.
What else does your profile need?
Some worthwhile text:
The format and layout of your personal information varies drastically between dating sites, but there are a few rules that don’t change.
Rule #1: Be genuine.
Of course you want to put your best foot forward, but don’t exaggerate to try to be impressive. Most guys are doing the same thing, and it’s painfully obvious.
Go ahead and mention that one time you went skydiving, but don’t try to use that as proof that you’re a badass, adrenaline-seeking, fearless adventurer with a rebellious streak. It’s just skydiving. Everybody has an adventure story.
Instead of writing your profile like a late night infomercial, maybe it would be smart to include information that girls actually want to know about a dude before they go out with them. Can’t stand smokers? Collect superhero action figures? Don’t be so vague and generic that your profile could be copied and pasted to apply to a couple thousand other dudes – you’re a special snowflake, so act like it, dammit.
Which leads us to…
Rule #2: You’re not an adventurer or addicted to travel or passionate about music or totally sarcastic…
The single most common statement on men’s Tinder profiles in Las Vegas, according to a totally scientific study I did myself, is this:
“I love travel and adventure.”
NO YOU FREAKING DON’T.
Seriously, girls see that statement so many times that we 1) know it’s a lie, and 2) cringe every time we see it again.
Other terrible cliches include:
- Music is my passion (unless you’re a musician, just stop)
- “School of Hard Knocks” instead of college information (if you didn’t go to college, just leave it blank)
- I’m sarcastic and funny (you don’t even know what sarcastic means, you’re trying to say witty)
- If you want to know more, just ask (we won’t)
- “Sapiosexual” (you just saw that on the internet, it’s trendy, you sound like an idiot)
Rule #3: Talk about who you are AND who you’re looking for.
Some online dating profiles only list the characteristics desired in a mate and leave out all the information that helps that person decide whether or not they want to communicate.
Other men write their dating profiles one-sided in the opposite way, including only information about themselves.
A good profile needs both.
Introduce yourself as if you were meeting a girl for the first time, and then go on to describe what you’re looking for.
By those standards, if you’re looking for a one night stand with a well endowed chick, go ahead and say it. You’re a lot more likely to find her if you’re up front about it.
On the other hand, if you’re hoping for a serious relationship with the girl of your dreams, lay out exactly what kind of woman counts as a dream girl.
Honesty is the best policy here, but don’t ramble. Ideally, you’re going to have a conversation later to get through the rest of the relevant information, so your profile should just be the highlight reel.
Oh, and there are actually people who you can pay to write your profile for you. Not saying whether it’s worth it or not, but that is a thing.
With your profile completed, you’re ready to move on to…
The Good Part: Conversation
Openers aren’t everything…but they’re at least 99.7% a determining factor in your success with this girl.
Here’s an interesting online dating statistic for you: women only respond to messages from men on dating sites an average of…
Are you ready for this?
…as a whole, women respond to an average of 4% of the messages they get.
That means that for every 25 messages you send, you’re statistically likely to get 1 answer.
Want to improve those odds? Stop saying the same things that every other guy says. Boom.
That first message is vital. Most guys can’t pull off pickup lines, so don’t bother.
Accept this now:
You’re not as clever as you think you are.
If you Google clever openers, there’s a strong probability that the girl you plan to send it to has either seen the same meme online, or someone has tried it on her, or both.
Girls get fed up with the same jokes, the same pickup lines, the same “clever” sayings, and using one, more often than not, starts you off on the wrong foot.
Consider these two things when you start a conversation:
1: Convey a little of your own personality.
If you aren’t the guy that always has a joke to tell, don’t open with a joke. If you are the kind of guy that always has to make a crack, stay away from those “witty” comments about a girl’s name or profile information – never make the obvious joke, because everybody else has already tried.
2: Say something that invites a response.
There’s nothing quite so frustrating as trying to hold a conversation with somebody who obviously has nothing to say. Ask questions, leave room for conversation, and make sure you have something to contribute every time you click ‘send’ – from the first message until you actually schedule a date in real life.
Oh, and by the way:
Compliments are terrible openers.
Yes, we’re pretty…or hot…or have nice eyes…or whatever.
We f***ing know.
Not only are we personally aware of our approximate level of attractiveness, but there is no shortage of dudes sending us generic compliments and expecting us to be impressed with their perceptive abilities.
How are we supposed to respond to that? “Thanks, let’s sleep together,” is NOT what you’re going to get in exchange for a comment about our physical attractiveness.
Seriously, for most girls, it’s awkward trying to respond to generalized comments about our appearance. The most we can muster is usually a “thanks,” or perhaps a “you, too,” if you happen to also possess superior DNA.
This is important, so just to repeat it until you can’t pretend you weren’t told: “Nice eyes” is not conversation material. “You’re sexy” is awful. Save it for when you see her in person, and then feel free to be taken aback with awe.
Now, once you’ve broken the proverbial ice, it’s time for
Conversing like you’re a human being.
Holy cow, the number of men who want to talk but clearly have nothing to say…it’s mind blowing, and not in the good way.
If you’re going to have a conversation with a girl, for ***** sake, HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!
Again, leave your questions/statements/responses open-ended.
Also, pro tip:
If she’s giving you one word answers, asking no questions, and everything she says is closed-ended, she’s not into you. Do not continue to do the same thing some more and hope for better results.
As an example of how well it will go if you don’t have anything to say, here is the transcript of an actual conversation this blogger had with some guy on Tinder, included in its entirety:
Dude: Hey cool that we matched I just moved here
Me: Where on the east coast did you come from?
Dude: Washington, D.C.
Me: I’m from Richmond, but I was born in Fairfax
Dude: Nice … don’t u miss chick fil a lol
Me: A little, but word is that there’s going to be one in Henderson soon
Dude: Nice that will be good
Fun fact: it was actually that terrible conversation that inspired this blog post.
Don’t leave somebody struggling to come up with something to say in response to your latest post.
Nobody likes doing that.
If it’s not flowing, either talk about something more interesting or move on. Conversations about nothing will get you unmatched, blocked, deleted, or just ignored, especially if the girl is attractive and has multiple guys sending her messages.
And, perhaps even more importantly:
Don’t be a creeper.
You might be a creeper if:
- You make tons of ultra-specific comments about a girl’s profile information.
- You comment excessively on her physical appearance.
- You ask so many questions, the conversation becomes an interrogation.
- You don’t read the signs that things are not going well and continue to make unwelcome advances.
- You ask for super personal information.
- You jump straight to “let’s meet somewhere” without talking for a bit first.
In general, it’s best to stay away from generic compliments about physical attractiveness, but you CAN compliment a woman’s achievements, intelligence, or skills. Those types of compliments don’t come out of thin air – you have to (gasp) learn something about her first!
The reason you should avoid generic or physical compliments is this:
Flattery always feels fake, and coming from a stranger, it’s always creepy.
Also, there’s a difference between being forward and being a creeper…and that difference is usually whether or not she’s attracted to you.
And women know that men are not totally clueless about picking up the signals. You have a pretty good idea of whether a girl is into you or not, so stop playing the “dumb guy” card and don’t waste your time where it’s not welcome.
The Better Part: Closing the Deal
Meanwhile, if things ARE going well, you’re having good conversation, and she’s definitely on the same page, congratulations!
You’ve done most of the work already, so all that’s left is asking her out.
Here are some tips for success:
- She’s more likely to agree to go out with you if you are specific about when and where.
For example: Instead of “Do you want to go out some time?”
Ask this: “Would you like to play paintball on Friday afternoon around 4?”
- It’s okay to go straight from chatting on the dating site to asking for a date. You don’t have to exchange numbers and stretch out the process if things are going well.
- If you’re in too much of a hurry to get to this point, you’re going to get blown off more. See the “creeper” statements above.
- Girls usually don’t use dating sites to find sexual partners, so don’t expect to get laid. Seriously, she’s got other offers, and you’re not that special.
Good luck out there!
And, remember, if things don’t work out online…
You could always get better at talking to females in person.